Some of us have that one person we are obsessed with because they drive us crazy, that we want to push them in a pit we’ve made, like in Silence of The Lamb. We hate them so much it hurts.
But just like what Ted has advised to his kids, you may think your only choices are to swallow your anger, or throw it in someone’s face. There’s the third option: You can just let it go. It is the only option to help you finally move forward.
And I thought, to let go, we need to forget them, for every single bit of their existences.
Because I’m not living in Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind movie, it takes me everything to erase memories involving this person.
It takes having two jobs that consume 14 hours of my life a day. I have to explain to my friends and my mom that this is not because my primary job does not pay my bills and my heroin addiction, or because I secretly have an accidental baby to feed. I keep myself busy so that I don’t even have a single second to think about this person without being okay.
It takes being friends with types of person I probably hate the most. I am an extrovert with introvert tendency. I don’t have problem meeting new people and being in a 6 hours talk with bunch of strangers, but I don’t keep much friends. Now I’m being friends with a nice lady whom I would normally see as an annoying pregnant woman next door who likes bitching about shit.
It takes discovering some bizarre things I never thought could be my new hobbies. They’re just too odd I don’t think it’s appropriate to list them here (my blog has probably been flagged as NSFW as I write vagina a lot).
It takes me not reading Sylvia Plath’s and Murakami’s anymore due to what I called a wise reason.
It takes doing the most intimate thing could happen between two people that have the opposite gender (or same, whatever): watching sunset together while sitting on the beach. I need to believe that I could do this kind of thing with other person. That I could be in love again. That butterflies do fly.
It takes beaches, mountains, trees, skies, oceans, colorful macarons, or men’s facial hair I could admire the whole day to convince myself that there are stuffs out there that are beautiful as hell. That are worth loving.
It takes driving miles and miles along the seacoast roads to stop feeling numb.
It takes shot after shot in a cheap bar with the loudest most annoying musics going on with a group of friends who also hide behind a fake Chinese rubber smile.
It takes being detached from feelings.
It takes keeping our mutual friends at a distance.
It takes staying away from certain places, movies, books and musics, and people.
It takes going out with dozen of strangers. Listening to their stories. Sharing our deepest secrets. Kissing their delicious lips and gazing their pretty eyes. Then saying goodbye when we’re still in need to touch each other. To make myself believe, that I can always forget them the next day like it never happened.
It takes doing all of those things to forget this person, to wipe our memories, to wash myself away, to clean his body of me, so that I can just see him as one of many strangers I have met in my life. So that when I happen to suddenly see his pictures, or anything reminds me about him, I could always continue drinking my beer, or folding my laundry, or writing an email to my boss without feeling any pain. Because theoretically, it is not possible to miss a stranger.
I was wrong.
We can still, miss a stranger.
Now I got how the universe works. We can make a pit in mind and put someone there. But sometimes apparently, it is us who have trapped in our own pit. Not them. It is our obsessiveness we are obsessed with. And the only person who can help us out of the pit, is ourselves. To let it go, we do not just have to forget. It is not just them we have to forgive.
We have to also forgive ourselves.
Something that I’m not able to do yet.