You know what’s worse than a goodbye?
Seeing it coming. Closer and closer. Seeing you taking your steps away slowly. Feeling your distance wider and wider. Feeling your existence drowning, deeper and deeper.
Hearing the universe counting down your goodbye.
I could hear the sound of you leaving. You looked like you’d been from breakfast at the heartbreak hotel with miserable waitress and meals. You looked like you’d been reading dozens of literature on how to leave.
I could hear the sound of you fading out. Like how an 80’s song ends, while the artist is still singing and the music is still giving us a lullaby. Now I know that a song has to have a definite end so that it wouldn’t feel like a part of it is missing.
Like how I’ve missed parts of us.
So before you actually said it, I’d thought it wouldn’t be that hard because.. my heart had been tortured a lot more while waiting that word come out of your lung. A “waiting”. A grey area between “I’ll stay” and “I can’t stay”.
I’ve been in so many goodbyes. I’ve let go of so many good things ever happened in my life. And apparently ‘goodbye’ is one kind of thing that, you could have it 178 times and you would still suck at overcoming it. It would always be an awful thing.
Whether you’d be crushed, or you’d destroy someone else’s soul.
So it doesn’t matter anyway whether you want your song to be ended abruptly, or fading out that it might ruin the best part when the singer hits the highest note. It would give you an awkward silence however once it ends, before the radio plays a totally different song your mind would have to restart the mood to.
Like, what would be the difference between a goodbye right after I walked out your door in our last day before the distance separated us again, or a goodbye after a sad, intense, beautiful kiss in front of our favorite coffee shop where the staffs saw us having our last hug, or a goodbye after you disappeared while I could still text you ‘I love you’ and meant it?
Nothing. It would always be a ‘bye’ people politely put a ‘good’ to feel guilt-free. It would always be an ending.
It ends everything. It ends ‘us’.
It breaks hearts.